By Marc Steinsaltz Israeli Correspondent for Diversity Chronicle
(H.Avenger: Another great piece of satire from Diversity Chronicle. We are honored to say this piece was inspired by AntiRacist Hitler)
Under Israel’s extreme right-wing government, peaceful, beautiful, creative, and vibrant undocumented African migrants have been arrested and housed in concentration camps against their will. Thousands of intelligent, hard working, and law abiding Africans who only came to the state of Israel in search of a better life, and to make Israel an even stronger nation, have somehow been labelled a “threat” to Israel’s “Jewishness.” These people came with love in their hearts for Jews. For their naivety, they were segregated, numbered, locked up behind barbed wire, and then deported!
Undocumented migrants are often denied the right to work in Israel, to marry Israeli citizens, or even to use the state’s welfare programs. This is an obscenity and a violation of their most basic human rights! According to UN conventions on the rights of migrant peoples, Israel must grant full and complete legal equality to all undocumented migrants! This includes Arab migrants, Filipino guest workers, Somali pirates, and anyone else who resides or has resided in the past in Israel.
Fortunately, a group of progressive Israelis known as “Jews For Social Justice” are demanding that the state grant full equality to undocumented migrants. The group demands that Israel open its borders, so that peaceful people can enter the country freely. The spokesman for the group, Moshe Ficklestein, observed in a speech earlier today that “Jews are literally choking to death on their own Jewishness. They are suffocating from being Jewish in a Jewish state, they are dying inside from the despair, boredom, and emptiness of ethnic homogeneity. Israel is a sick society literally dying from a lack of diversity! Our nation is as boring, unexciting, and as tasteless as a piece of dry matzah, it needs African seasoning, and the more the better!”
Ficklestein’s speech was interrupted with boos and hollers from enraged Israeli racists and fanatical nationalists who insisted that Israel must survive as an exclusively “Jewish” state, whatever that means. I thought the idea of racial or ethnic states went out of fashion with the fall of the Third Reich. Alas, evidently not! The idea of a “pure” racial state lives on in Israel! Shocking, but true.
As Ficklestein continued speaking, he noted that “Jerusalem is devoid of a variety of authentic ethnic restaurants. At dance clubs lonely Jewish girls are forced to dance with Jewish males, instead of vibrant young African men. The African men are frankly, more exciting dance partners, as well as more interesting partners in every sense of the term! I speak from personal experience here. They possess superior virility and sexual stamina, so sadly many Jewish men resent them because of this! Those who oppose my policies are frankly jealous of African males! Sexual jealousy and uniformed petty bigotry drive all who oppose my policies! Feigned love for Israel or Jews is a mere smokescreen! These people are haters and racists. They are afraid of being cuckolded. Do not be fooled!”
Unfortunately, Ficklestein’s speech was once again rudely interrupted by a bearded Orthodox Jewish fanatic who shouted “You are worse than an Islamic terrorist. At least they would kill us all faster and with less pain!” Several Jewish protestors agreed, while another shouted “If you hate the Jewish state, why don’t you move to America where they buy that multi-cultural bullshit! Get out of Israel you self-hating Jew! Israel is a state for Jews, not for Africans, not for Arabs, only for Jews! We are the chosen of God and we have this land by divine right!”
Fortunately, as armed security stepped in, Ficklestein was able to continue speaking, adding that “Jewish men and women are marrying each other and having boring pale Jewish children. They are raising these boring Jewish children, all of similar skin hues, in houses and neighbourhoods that all look the same across Israel! It’s really very sad. Because of the close interrelatedness of Ashkenazi Jews, a preponderance of unique genetic diseases plague us! In order to help combat these problems we are organizing diversity orgies. At these events, in which young Jewish women get in free, and receive free drinks, African youths line up to have sex with them in succession. Progressive Jewish men get to sit and watch. This is how we should celebrity Diversity! These orgies are breaking down racial barriers and healing a world which for too long has been divided by race!”
Ficklestein was interrupted as a Molotov cocktail was thrown onto his stage. Fortunately he was unharmed, as he vowed to continue his speech, he noted that “African refugees are more Jewish than you or I will ever be! They chose to come to Israel. They chose to come to a Jewish state, therefore they are more authentically Jewish than anyone else! We were just born into it, it was only an accident of birth that we are Jewish! Only a racist, whose conception of Jewishness depends on things like blood or DNA would disagree! Being Jewish is a feeling, anyone who feels Jewish or comes to the state of Israel is a Jew period! Jews by choice are the most Jewish of all! If guest workers in Israel have a baby, I say that this baby is born a Jew!” Birthright Jewishness for all!
Ficklestein currently serves as a member of the city council, in the small Israeli city of Tirat Carmel. He has introduced legislation calling for Tirat Carmel to become a sanctuary city for African migrants. A scandal erupted after it was claimed by some Israeli racists that African gangs were allegedly targeting Jewish girls for sexual slavery. Ficklestein, without denying the incident, responded it must be understood that because of lower educational levels among African migrants, and different cultures, Israelis will have to learn to tolerate a certain amount of crime until the new immigrants are assimilated. Once everyone in Israel is part African and part Arab, there will be no more interracial crime, because all will be one race, united together as one people in peace because of our ethnic homogeneity!
Responding to criticism of his controversial policies, Ficklestein stated that “Unfortunately Jews and Africans are not mixing fast enough. It may become necessary for us to pass laws requiring coupling between Jews and Africans. In one hundred years everyone in Israel will be mid-brown, and we will all be one people! It is the same with the Palestinian issue. Jewish women must offer themselves sexually to Palestinian Muslim men! Israel is becoming a multi-cultural society, and God willing, we will eventually achieve mid-brown homogeneity.
It is true that some people resent Jews for Social Justice because of our role in that process. However, if that process does not continue, Israel will not survive! If we do not embrace tolerance and diversity, Israel will collapse!” [Editor’s note: in later discussions with Mr Ficklestein over a beer, he declined to elaborate on exactly how retaining its present ethnic homogeneity would cause the collapse of Israel, simply repeating his statement that “the richness and beauty of Israel comes from its diverse immigrant groups, including undocumented Africans, Muslim Arabs, Filipinos, and Christians!” Note that Ficklestein’s statement is quite similar to Jewish anti-European activist Barbara Spectre’s notorious statement that without such a transformation, Europe “will not survive.”]
Indeed, Palestine has always been a multi-cultural and multi-religious society since ancient times. It is a land where Adonai, Asherah, El, Baal, Jesus and Allah have been worshipped by peoples of diverse races and backgrounds side by side in peace. It has been a home to heterosexuals, homosexuals, monotheists and polytheists alike. Palestine was once home to a vibrant diverse community, and it can be again.
Unfortunately, the Israeli parliament will begin hearings next week as right-wing extremists have submitted legislation banning Jews For Social Justice from operating in Israel. Moshe Ficklestein is already under investigation for misappropriation of government funds in a case that he claims is entirely politically motivated and fueled by hatred of his political positions and charitable work for undocumented African migrants.
Let us hope and pray that justice will be done for Jews For Social Justice! Let us hope that they can create a new vibrant and tolerant Israel, where undocumented African migrants, religious Palestinian Muslims, Filipino guest workers, and Christians enjoy full equality as Israelis! Everyone in Israel is Jewish and Israeli, whether he or she is there legally or not, and regardless of race, ethnicity or religion!
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